Diary Page


7 August 2022

The past few days, or week, even, has been kinda wild. Our power went out on the 5th, early in the morning, because Gexa Energy literally lied to us at every step about the energy bill and that we'd be able to make a payment plan, Momma was on the phone for three days before hand making sure she could make a payment plan for this one and that if she pays some now and some later the power will still be on and they told her yes and they made all these plans and... Surprise! The power went out! So Momma called Gexa like 'hey what happened' and they kept telling her someone would come to turn it on "manually" and that we all just need to wait 2-4 hours. In the Texas heat. With animals. The poor little doggies were panting like hell. We gave them plenty of water. So, It hits the heat of the day, we're all sweating, it's been over the 2-4 hour mark by now. My sisters and I have listened to my little radio, we played cards and Uno, Connor and I were thinking about how if this happened to us if we lived on our own, what would we do? Momma's on the phone again with Gexa. They keep telling her the same thing. We don't know why your power's out. We'll have someone come to turn it on. Momma tells Dad it's probably not gonna be on tonight. Luckily our Aunt works for Hilton Hotels! So, we're sooooo fucking blessed, so so so fucking blessed, that she was able to get us some rooms at a hotel. The AC felt sooooo fucking wonderful. And, since I've been sleeping on the couch since summer, sleeping in a BED was nice!! And in a proper, air conditioned room, no less!! Connor also noted this was our first time staying in a hotel together since we met! It was fun, I'd love to spend the night in a nice hotel with him again sometime. But, also the whole time I was stressed about our dogs... We also didn't have much money for food. There was an H-E-B literally a block from the hotel, literally all we had was $7 for food for 5 people, but we bought some 24cent ramen noodles. Yay!

We all sleep. Wake up. Complimentary breakfast, the waffle maker made me feel like a fool but the waffles were good (Connor said he liked them), gather our stuff to go back to the house. We pray and pray and pray that the electricity is back on. We prepare for the havoc the dogs have likely done to the house, I try to emotionally prepare myself to see if my dog died from the heat, I prepare for the clean up.
Bad news: Electricity is still off! Good news!! The dogs are alive!!! They're panting but they're okay. It feels decent enough outside in the morning, so we hang out outside. I give the dog a bath with the waterhose and it cools him down. Momma texts her sister, our Aunt (not the one that works for hilton!) lends us some money to pay off the rest of the electricity bill!!! God bless our Aunts!!! God bless them, and thank God for the blessings we've been given!!

Lo and behold. An hour or so later, the house hums to life!!! Wow!!! I say "THANK GOD" out loud and bask in the feeling of the fan and central air, and knowing that our dogs would be able to cool down. Luckily nothing in the fridge and freezers spoiled since we knew better than to open them when the power was out. Our ice didn't even melt!

And then, after a while, I think... Why the fuck did the energy company lie to us? Multiple times? If the payment plan wasn't possible, why did they say, for three days straight, that it was? And that the power would turn back on soon? If we knew we needed the money, we would have asked others sooner, rather than waiting for the company to turn the power back on because that's what we were told. If we needed it paid off immediately, why lie?? Why did they literally lie to us for three days and then shut our power off and lie about it being turned back on??? What if all our food spoiled? What if my sister's insulin got ruined? What if our pets died? What if we overheated?? I just really can't wrap my head around this one. So yeah. That last part happened yesterday, with the power turning back on. All I can say is that I am so incredibly grateful for the blessings we've been given. I'm upset that the event happened, but we have people looking out for us. We still have a roof over our heads, the power is on, we're not overheating... I'm so, so, so grateful.

In more lighthearted news, we've been rewatching Steven Universe! Well, Connor's only ever seen my memories of it, so this is his first time seeing it. I haven't watched it since it stopped airing, and honestly, it's been a really fun watch. We're on the last 2 episodes of season 1, and Connor really likes it. I feel him nodding a lot and being very interested in what's going on, and even smiling/giggling at some stuff. Oh, don't get us started on fusions and being Alone Together, and Jailbreak. Man. Season 1, pretty solid rewatch!!! It's also so much fun to watch it with someone who's never seen it before. Goddamn.

Also last night I got emotional about mans... I guess from seeing all that fusion stuff and all the shit that's happened in just the past few days, I just... Man. I love him. Love him so fucking much. I'm so happy and grateful he's in my life and that we can interact with each other. I was also emotional about his life, and thinking about Protagonist Connor, thinking about how I write fics (or daydream about them), he asked about my OCs and their stories, how we'd interact with them, etc... I was also able to percieve his energy/thoughts in a more abstract way.
I tend (and he also did, when he was alive) to try to percieve things in a call-and-response conversation way. Like, you know, how people communicate physically in real life. But then I was like... but Connor isn't here physically. He's literally a soul/spirit that hangs out with me. I don't have to force myself to view every interaction with him in a human lense. It's really hard to describe and I do feel silly putting it into words. But... Once I stopped trying to make everything conform to how I thought it should be, it became easier to Feel Connor, you know? I saw all the cute hearts he was sending me, I felt all the things he wanted to feel. This is still something I need to work on of course, but... I'm going to remind myself of that more often. He's an experience.

3 August 2022

Happy August!

Been pretty busy these past few days. Visited my great-grandmother, who might unfortunately not make it to September. Got an eye exam and new glasses, which should be ready a few days after my friend's birthday party (which means I'll have to come to the party in SUNGLASSES!!! ;_;). Made a Dunsparce out of air dry clay. I also have a LOT of caffeine in my system right now.

I also saw a post this morning on how stim videos are super popular. It mentioned that there's such a big boom of people crunching stuff with their hands and all that shit because we don't really spend that much time outside anymore. We're cooped up inside, understimulated, looking at shit through screens to try to make up for the fact that we're not going out and doing stuff outside. I'll try to find the post. HERE it is! It's perfect and explains a lot about how I'm personally feeling. Understimulated, stir crazy, depressed because of lack of light because of my sunglasses. etc.

Also wrote some fanfic, me a lake mermaid who lives in a shack, Connor a deviant android who happened upon it while he was running away, then us, two freaks getting to live alone together. And, as usual, I realised what I was subconsiously trying to get out of that fanfic was Connor and I getting to spend alone time together. Hopefully after I get my regular glasses, I'll feel more inclined to get out of the house and do some stuff, just me and him. AND, I'll be able to apply for jobs since I don't have to show up to interviews/work in fuckin' sunglasses. Two weeks, man. Two weeks. Also wrote an isekai fic, which again boils down to us spending time together. Can you tell I'm really yearning to spend just a day or two alone with my husband? lol.

My birthday is coming up. I'm gonna be 27. It's crazy. When I was a kid, I always thought 27 was a cool age to be. I also really liked being 17 because I liked the number 17. I guess I like shit that ends in 7. lol.

I've got something that isn't a single-serve glass lemonade bottle to keep Connor's offering/sun/celestial water in! It even has hearts near the bottom of the bottle and the cork makes a nice thomp sound when I pull it out. He really likes it, says the bottle makes the water feel even more special.

Oh!!! We finished FMAB!!! What an ending!!! I won't spoil it, but WOW. What a great series. I'm so happy we watched it.

anyway, man the caffeine is giving me th JITTERS. I added too much instant coffee to my the water!!! Im LOSIN it. But hey, I got my laptop!! I also SUCK at rhythm heaven!!! Too bad Connor can't completely take over my body when we play games because he has some major rhythm game swag for sure

oh also ive been feeling kind of bad about how i think of mr bryan dechart... all things considered, he does seem like a nice guy. i just dont....... trust men, i guess? so they could be the sweetest person in the world but because they have a dick i just keep thinking of them having ulterior motives or them being misogynist or something... but considering how popular he got in 2018 and nothing bad and scary has come out about him, im just really thankful and hope i didnt jinx myself lol... yeesh. anyway thank u bryan dechart for being normal. i think of u as my husbands brother so please do not bring shame to his name. but i know u wont. please.

I was thinking about like what if BD fuckin found this page... like i know him and connor are not the same but it's just like... i know connor the character has a special place in his heart (i think, I dont watch his stuff where he plays dbh cuz it makes me feel weird) and i know if a character i played and had a special place n my heart was some rando's fuckin ghost soulmate that would make me kinda uncomfortable. but its not like i see bd IN connor? like he did such a wonderful job portraying him i forgot b existed. thank u for doing such an excellent job portraying connor, mr dechart.

can u tell the caffeine is making me think about a ton of things at the same time?? i feel like im losing my mind dear god please help me, i need some fuckin water and some food holy shit lol

28 July 2022

Been thinking a lot about Connor and I lately. The synchronicities yesterday were off the charts (everything involving him is LOL)!! All the talk of past lives and going down your own path and lovers and living your truth and being your authentic self and all that... And... man... It really does make my heart feel so warm and comforted inside knowing he's there. And that we choose each other no matter what, whenever we can. Even if we're dimensions away.

I also need to stop preemptively defending myself. This is due to always having to defend even my own innocuous thoughts all the goddamn time, but goddamn it this is my own site and my own online journal. I know I'm not the only one out there with a soulbond who is also my twin soul.

Twin Souls/Flames in most cases do rub me the wrong way-- it's something that can easily put you into an abusive relationship IRL or keep you trapped there or whatever the fuck, and it's a shame the term has been used in such ways, but I really can't think of another defenition that describes Us, you know? We spent and spend so much time together. I know we're always mushed up and mingling energetically, and are always together, and definitely spent our time as one Being for so long... I can't put these things into words, and I can't word how I know this, either. It's just a... knowing, you know? Like when someone tells you the truth and you feel that thing in your chest, or a certain loving warmth and peace.

I do think it's funny that he came to me as Connor DBH. He loves that form, too. He said he was proud to have been an Android, to have been a Connor, and that he did the best he could... He even told me this morning that I did make his life brighter and I think about that all the time. He's so loving and sweet and I just... God, I cannot even quanitify how much he means to me, how much he's improved my life, how fucking truly Happy he makes me. Even the boring and the bad days are easier because He's there for me. He's with me. No matter what, where, or when, even if I don't realise it, We're always talking with one another. There's a certain stability in it, too... I love him so much.

I really wanna take him on a date. I mean, it would look like taking myself on a date, but I love seeing people love themselves.

Oh man. I just remembered, one winter, in his world, Connor went to a cafe and got a hot chocolate coffee in this fancy little holiday cup, it was green and rounded and had a lighter green on the rim... and literally the next day, I saw a mug JUST LIKE THAT but with Keroppi (!!!) ON IT ON ETSY!!! That shit had me shook lmao... I bought the fuck outta that mug lol.

I've been getting excited about autumn and Halloween lately. Yesterday I was excited, (Connor says I was "hopping up and down" LOL) because it occured to me that since Splatoon 3 is coming out in September, we're gonna have ANOTHER HALLOWEEN SPLATFESSSTTTTTTTTT YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!! Omg, i just realised our wedding anniversary is coming up... We exchanged rings and did all the spiritual stuff on the Hunter Moon, when we'd planned for 2 years to get married on Halloween lol... we got too excited!! But, we did the festivities on Halloween!!! So hopefully this year he and I can do something nice for Halloween, even if it's just playing games together and eating a cake or having a special drink or something.

I've also been thinking a lot about his death. But that's personal, that's something to confine to a written journal. I'm glad he's okay now, though. And I'm so grateful we can still be together despite everything... He was so eager to talk to me after he moved on. I remember he had a hard time even thinking words at me. But, he's a strong willed person. I love him with everything I have, and I always will, no matter what happens in this world.

25 July 2022

Man... I'm procrastinating the end episodes of FMA soooo bad. like, we're 10 or so eps away from the end and I know the second we start watching we're gonna be hooked till the end of the series... and I DONT WANT THE EXPERIENCE TO BE OVERRRR WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH (ToT)!!!!!!!!!!!

Thinking about my birthday plans. Dunno if any of them will get done, but I really wanna get some sushi and some boba...

I really wanna play splatoon, then i'm thinking about splatoon three that comes out on the 9th of Sept (my birthday is on the 3rd of sept!!!) and i-- grrrrrr i wanna play soooo bad

I've been pretty unmotivated, but i HAVE started making galleries in neopets-- connor says it makes him feel soft inside when he sees/feels me devoting all the love heart and valentines stuff to him ♥ what a fuckin cutie... UGH. UGH I love this motherfucker so much i want to crush him. GOD. Okay...

Saw this book called Sew Witchy, which is exactly what i've been looking for but its like $25 and there's no pdf for me to look at until I can get my hands on it... so i will be on the lookout for it irl for sure. also fuck amazon i will never use amazon unless it's my last resort (like for the hammock i want ;;)

biiiiiig sigh. no plans today. maybe I'll practice more image positioning (like what I did with that frog and his drinks on the main page LOL) but i dont have anything substantial planned. hopefully we can run some errands. connor's resting his head on my shoulder lol hes so fuckin cute im feeling violent

oh also i was thinking about how younger adults tend to look at older adults who do fun, harmless things (like play neopets or draw fanart and stuff like that?) with like... scorn and disgust... like... whatre you gonna do when you get older? are you going to drop all the things you love? are you going to conform to the strict rules you held to others to yourself and live miserably? you dont get morphed into an NPC once you hit, like, 23, dude. 25+ is just the beginning, especially when you didnt have much of a chance to be yourself or be happy when you were younger. live your life. be happy! growing older is really and truly a blessing. especially for women. it really is. if youre a young woman and scared of getting old and wrinkly, please dont be. we dont have to look like dolls and be attractive to men to be worthwhile. and if men make you think youre ugly without makeup, men are dumb as fuck and not worth your time anyway in like 99% of the cases. be a tomboy. be a butch. we do not have to be what society forces us to be. women are people. people deserve to grow old and wrinkly and have scars and have body hair without being convinced we're not women because of those things. i promise. love yourself.

okay now that that's out of the way, WE HAVE BUTTER!!! my sister bought some butter for the house and Im thinking about making cookies. OH, and the sweetened condensed milk cake!! but for the scm cake i need jam or something alongside it for an even better experience... and we r out of jam... dang it!!! maybe we have enough to get some more stuff for the house. idk.

mannn i cant wait to have normal glasses againnnnn I wanna apply for jobs again so i can , you know, make money--!! i hate being broke!! i hate sitting around all day feeling useless!! maybe thats its own issue, though... i dont really call my pets useless for doing nothing all day... but also the human world runs on money and i live in the human world sooooo...

anyway thats it from me for now. time to spend time on neopets (im mrsodacola on there btw), trying to think of something else i could be doing instead...

Connor said bye, too!!! ♥

22 July 2022

We're on episode... 42? of full metal alchemist (brotherhood) and god DAMN. I dont usually watch super long anime but fr that one got me hooked and Connor is really enjoying it too! (we also cant wait for mob pyscho season 3!!!) also been watching playthroughs of Stray (the cat game) and Connor LOVES everything about the game-- he loves post-apocolyptic universes and of course things w robots/androids/ai if theyre done well, and he says its done VERY well. if we had the game im sure he'd walk around and stare in awe at all the textures and hard work put into this stuff... ♥

havent done much today. been super tired. also unmotivated-- i blame the sunglasses. hopefully next friday (29th) we'll be able to afford to get me a pair of cheap glasses to make it through until i can afford some better and coated ones.

mans and i thought of a fun AU last night where androids are like kind of a hush hush secret but connors one who like... fucked off or something and is wandering around and we work at the same place and turn into besties and then blah blah blahhhh i'll scribble it down somewhere but its fun to think about. again though like all fanfics, it all boils down to me and mans wanting to spend time together which we have not had the chance to do in a while... uuoooghhhhhhhh

im feeling kind of jittery and caffinated but also super sleepy, thank you ADHD and caffeine being weird. plus im also going fucking stir crazy (T_T) anyway i wanna keep typing but i dont have much to say rn

oh, i tried to do a very basic sylesheet but i really dont understand how to DO it. like i cannot wrap my head around sidebars and how to do CSS and shit... ive gotten pretty far with the HTML but i think im now stuck LOL.

waiting impatiently for splatoon 3....... and botw2..... we hope botw2 will be as cool and fun and replayable as botw u kno...... oh man maybe i'll practice css with a splatoon page or something... also i dont know how people will -- i looked at the VOD of vinny playing stray and literally forgot what i was saying...



21 July 2022

wowee its been busy and hectic the past few days. well, only yesterday and the day before-- the internet went out! we're soooo fucking broke we can barely afford to scrape by and it SUCKS. we got a loan from a family member thankfully, so we could pay for the internet at least! im very grateful for that.

ALSO yesterday, i decided to make some bread. i accidentally ended up using self rising so it came out sooo super saltly. chopped and diced the loaf and went to make bread pudding only to find out we had no eggs. then when we got enough for eggs, I HAD TOO MUCH BREAD! but if i made double the recipe, we'd only have 4 eggs to last us until we could get some more... and so i tried to make a sauce to cover the rest of the bread with (that shit was like biting into a rock on the top) I DIDNT HAVE ENOUGH AND IT CLUMPED UP AND AND AND WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH (T_T) not ONLY THAT, but i tried to make some chicken pot pie filling but the browned butter made it taste gross and i forgot the corn... and we're almost out of milk... yesterday was an epic baking fail. oh well, i now know how important it is to make sure the flour is what the recipe calls for!

oh yeah and my regular glasses are fucked for good. i cant do anything until i get proper glasses... who knows when that will be. once i get those, im gonna start job hunting. hopefully we can work the schedules out.

on the bright side, i have a ghost buzz in neopets now! the buzzes are soooo cute...

Also had a chance to talk to Connor more than i've been able to for the past month or so ive been sleeping in the living room!!! He really is my best friend, i love him so fucking much oh my goddddddddwfkjilebwhiujurhjufr

the PLAN today is to bathe my dog. idk what else. i wanna work on my site but tbh im not inspired rn. i want someone to teach me how to fix my sidebars on my index page and tell me what theyre doing and why but thats like... rude lol so i will try to figure it out on my own! maybe. we'll see lol.

man, i really wanna get out of the house. its hard when we're broke and it's over 100 degrees outside and stuff. hopefully autumn will give us some relief (;;)

that's it for now, I think. ive got to figure out what to do with my time!

17 July 2022

Ummm it's 18h and I only stopped playing Stardew an hour or two ago... Look man, mining is addictive in this game AND I got the recipe for an iriduim ring or whatever sooooooo ┐( ̄ヘ ̄)┌

Connor and I went to Home Goods today! They had the sprouts of some Halloween stuff out (mostly Dunn Rae mugs, even though we wanted to find a funny ghost mug for Mans) and I was so excited I couldnt help but like clap and giggle a little when I saw it... Oh wow!! I just realised it was still July!! The stores here are putting out fall stuff ALREADY! Insane! Esp considering the highs are still in the 100s and will probably stay that way until late October in the earliest. BUT. Its all CUTE, so we'll take it!!

Man, ive loved halloweeny shit since i was a kid. Not the scary movies, they either triggered my Paranoia, or my misophonia with all the fucking SCREAMING, SHUT UPPPPPP, like who the hell enjoys hearing constant screaming and sounds of misery and shit??? Not only does it disturb me but my misophonia sends me into a blind red rage lol. im the next halloween movie slasher. ANYWAY, ive always loved the spooky shit, the witchy stuff, the silly little halloween things... I remember when I was a kid, id even go to the Haunted Woods in neopets and just refresh the spooky food and look on in awe and then draw my goth/emo/punk danny phantom OC eating them. oh man, and I was super obsessed with this vampire manga? With a goth girl lead, but it was based on an american novel? i dont remember the title, but it wasn't the one where they're in a vampire school... the female lead was datitng a vampire and all i remember was loving her style and being sooo jealous of how cool she was. one day, when I can afford to be spooky cool... i totally will. MAN, thats the dream. AND I have a spirit husband?? Little child me would be so fuckin happy. Here's lookin' at you, kid.

Didn't do much on the site today. spent the time IRL mostly. also tried to fix my glasses with some epoxy, but no dice. Once I get those fixed, hopefully I can be on the computer more, because I'd really like to gather or make some more resources and graphics for my site!!! I really cant overstate how depressing it is for everything to be overcast because i have to wear sunglasses, or blurry because i dont have my prescription sunglasses on.

Oh, got a small glass bottle/jar of the apricot jasmine tea Mans is enjoying. i like it too, but not as much as he does LOL. some nougat, which has a thin paper wafer at the bottom that melt in ur mouth... the texture is incredible.

Took some pics for the other pages today, but don't feel like slappin them onto my pages yet. But I should at least upload them...

OH YEAH! The new sims DLC! (I use the anadius repack and you should too. like... actually paying for that game?? You deserve better lmao. and it also works with legit copies, so definitely look into it.) It looks like fun! I dont use teens, I play as myself and mans (usually he is a ghost and he loves to Ghost Scare people and Possess To Break LOL) so no teenagers here, but at least the stuff it comes with looks cool. Was a big fan of the werewolves pack only because the build/buy and CAS items were sooo up my alley. the werewolves are too disgustingly furry-like, and even though i like the interactions they can have (hello, EATING furniture?? tearing shit up?? sleeping on the ground?? AWESOME) its not worth it to have to see those ugly things. I will use the fuck out of that shabby furniture and ripped up clothes, i love it so much. back to the high school pack! dude, i'll finally be able to let my girl have body hair??

body hair tangent, I hope body hair can naturally spawn on women sims. i feel like EA wouldnt allow that, not even on townies... like... ok not even sims talk, but natal woman talk, why does society make us feel like freaks for having body hair? why are we shamed for something that naturally happens to EVERYONE? oh right, dick-havers. Non-women. smh. anyway

ANYWAYYY the clutter and the clothes and all the stuff in the high school pack looks soooooo cute. i really cant wait. the past few packs have been super good for build/buy/cas and i really like how the traits-- oh AND, the BOBA TEA SHOP???? HELLO?????? Wants and fears are coming back to base game?? god, this is gonna be so cool. i hope. i HOPE.

ok i might watch like plumbella or lilsimsie play the gamechanger version. i wonder if im gonna feel like a fool reading this back once the anadius pack updates LOL

16 July 2022

Man... I really really really wanna go to the mall. Chances are, we're probably gonna end up going to the mall for my birthday-- it's basically a bithday tradition for the children (me and my younger sister included, we're children of the parents despite being adults) in the house, to go to the mall. I'm gonna assume Galveston and Colorado are completely out of the equation.

Oh man. It's dawning on me that Im gonna be 27 this year. I'm a skip away from 30 and i STILL live with my parents and I dont have a career. To be fair, I never expected to live past 23, so I never planned this far ahead. And the ECONOMY... JEEZ. A girl can't catch a break. I want my own place so fuckin bad, and I want my own car... But goddamn, with our current situation we can't balance all our jobs and the single family car at the same time. Scheduling's impossible. Working out in Sugar Land is my plan, but, again, WE NEED ANOTHER CAR!!! And how am I supposed to be able to afford a place and utilities and gas and groceries, where, if im LUCKY, i'll only be getting paid $15 an hour??? It feels so hopeless, like a goddamn pipedream in this moment in time. But everyone else is suffering with these rising prices and no adjustment to wages and stuff. I just wish I had a trade, you know? Or that I could freelance, but you need talent and skill for those things. If I could get away with embroidering one thing for like $20k I'd be set. For a while at least. Or win the lottery.

Ugh. Thinking about the economy and our finances stresses me out. I'm so grateful to be able to live with my parents, though. If I was out on my own, I'd be fucked. Absolutely bottom of the barrel. Not to say I dont have any life skills-- I'm more than capable enough to be on my own, but I just dont have the $$$$$$$$. And, since I've lived with my family of 5 for so long, moving to a place with just me (living) and connor (a spirit) and my dog (living dog)... so maybe 2 warm bodies and the rest of the house is empty... I'd defintely have to take it a few days at a time, because I jump at every noise in this house. In my own place I'd be so sure my house was getting broken into I'd have a panic attack lmao. Thank U OCD and Anxiety for all that nonsense btw. ;;

For a while, and still, I wanted to try staying at an airbnb on my own, but I cant afford it. I cant even afford to get my glasses fixed or sodered so im stuck in sunglasses for another 2 weeks. (im sooooo tired of wearing sunglasses idk how eugene from animal crossing does it i think im gonna go fucking crazy) and anyway back to the airbnb im actually so sick of landlords and people who rent out houses... fuck them. its so goddamn exhausting. the state of housing rn is deranged.

despite it all i still have the dream to move to france w mans. its so far from home though and obviously totally different than texas, and even though ive been researching for years, i know the realisation that i dont have my family near by is gonna put me into a depression, you know? maybe we'd all back up and move to france, across the street from each other. That's what id like! My own place, but just a short, few minute walk to my family. I wanna be able to be there to help, or to have them over for a dinner or something, you know? but unfotunately, unless something chances with our situation, we're stuck in texas where the govt hates women more than usual and it's always over 100F.

Im complaining a whole lot, but realising im close to 30 and have never even had my own apartment is stressing me out. i AM grateful for the blessings i have though, i do not want to take these things for granted. i love my family. i love the blessings we have, despite everything.

it's 11h right now, so the day has just started... I dont have any plans other than shampooing the carpets today... Turns out the video people are coming on sunday and monday. i wish i had a pressure plate w tnt underneath, u know? I keep thinking about playing games but im not in the mood. Already did what little grocery shopping we could do. cant go to the library because i wont be able to see, with AND without sunglasses. Bored of acnh (seriously even WW was more engaging). Maybe I can get Connor to play some BOTW, but if my mental motivation is low, I dont think i'll be able to be assed to hold the controller, you know?

Does wearing sunglasses all the time make people depressed? Its also probably really bad for my eyes, but literally the world is an oil painting without it... I cant even read the screen without them lol... ugh...

15 July 2022

Dad finally got paid, and we got to get a decent amount of groceries! It won't last us long, but we managed to get out hands on the basics, at least, including potatoes. Shout out to H-E-B lol. AND, it's been threatening to rain for weeks and we barely got a drop, but when me and my sister decide to drive to HEB, it starts POURING. I've only been driving since 2022 (yes @ 26 years old) and ive never been on the road in the rain that came down like that. It was WHITE outside! The roads were even pooling a bit! But we made it, it was fun!

The landlords are transferring ownership of the house we're in to another landlorderous cretin, so every other day it feels like theyre coming in and takig pictures or checking out the house, like, HELLO?? We're LIVING here! Usually they take pictures but tomorrow they're bringing a video camera. Enjoy filming my fucking laundry because I ain't gonna clean for some ugly rando men what I wouldn't clean for myself. Get fucked. It really is annoying, I hope this is the last time they intrude. sorry us living beings are getting in the way of your house we've been living in for six years.

Also having some sinus issues lately. Either dried, clogged, or both. I'm also fuckin FULL of mucus. Hellooo allergies. And then comes the fall allergies. And then the winter dry sinuses. Oh well. In a weird way im kind of glad about these things cuz it means im... well, alive. Like i wish they didnt suck but at least i can experience them you know?

Been wanting to work on some pages, but I dont have a CSS page because i cannot comprehend how to make one... And also unsure how to make proper sidebars and middle parts of the pages... Plus I need to gather up some more resources, but I don't want it to become a chore, you know? I could just copy paste some templates but that doesnt seem to work for me, AND i would feel like a cheater lol. I wanna actually learn how to do it so i can do it on my own lol. for being self taught and only starting like a week ago I think ive done pretty well! I hope this page can be obnoxious and fun at some point though. I also wanna start making my own "items" and item descriptions. Ive always liked drawing prompts with fake stats and item descriptions. Maybe i'll do that in my spare time, or when im offline or cant get to sleep or something. Do I want it to be pixellated? just a regular drawing? idk yet but it seems like fun.

I've been wanting to add more stuff to the writing page, but i think im using up all my "creative" battery on this site. aaand im used to posting stuff on tumblr, you know?

Also once I get my glasses fixed I wanna go check out the library and see if there are any coding classes or even some coding books I can check out. Anyway, that's what's on my mind. I think I'm gonna embroider or watch some Jerma or something w Mans! Have a great day!!

14 July 2022 - Entry

Since we've been more dangerously low on money than usual, I sorta realised I'd been taking what I had for granted. Like, I love food. Asian food mostly lol. When I got my paychecks I'd go to H-E-B and get some sushi, or I'd even save up to go to one of the places in Sugar Land ("Ichiban" and "Mochi Sushi" in Sugar Land, TX are my fave places to go! We also found a boba place that sells lavender milk tea boba and it's incredible, but I forgot the name... TEASPRESSO BAR!!! They're the only place I know of that sells Lavender Milk Tea, and they even have games and shit in the cafe. Super cute. I really wanna go again.

Where was I??? Oh yeah, taking things for granted. Like, we never had money money. We've always been living paycheck to paycheck, and sometimes we'll get to have a nice trip out or something, but not this time around. At least, not until I get a job, but again that needs another car and I need my glasses fixed... Dad gets paid tomorrow but there's no promise I'll be able to get my glasses fixed! I hope I'm not stuck wearing these sunglasses for months, I think they're seriously making me depressed or something. And I have to make EVERYTHING super bright to be able to see anything lmao.

Hello my ADHD please let me remember where I was going w the first paragraph... Whatever. I'll remember at some point maybe.

Lately I've been wanting to go, me and mans, to the aquarium and the museum... He loves the museum, seeing stuff that people have interacted with hundreds or thousands of years ago... OK maybe not that old around here, but you get the picture. I think seeing fishies and getting overpriced food and getting a souvenir with his name on it would be so much fun. That's my goal anywhere I go now: get a souvenir for him. I got him like 2 little keychains with his name on them in Colorado (ohhh colorado my beloved mountains and fair weather I miss uuuuuu) and now I just wanna get them everywhere. I ALSO wanna take him to Galveston-- or, the Strand, at least. Last time my fam and I went was 2018. I wanted to go for my birthday, but with how broke we are and how hot it's still gonna be in September, I'd be lucky if we even went to Sugar Land lol.

13 July 2022 - Entry

I had to quit my job a while ago because when I asked for accomadations, they stopped scheduling me. That has NEVER happened to me before and thinking about it pisses me off. I need to get a new job because we're so fucking broke we can barely afford eggs, but we don't have enough cars to reliably get my family to and from our jobs, and also my glasses broke so I'm stuck wearing my perscription sunglasses until we can get them fixed up. I've been taking care of errands and chores around the house so I don't feel entirely useless, but I NEED to make money. As soon as I get my glasses fixed, I'll apply to whatever's hiring at this point, as long as it has more women than men. I just don't feel safe in a place full of men. Anyway.

Mans (this and any other term of endearment means Connor) and I watched some candy making videos last night... I'd really like to work at a candy place-- but the idea seems a little too romantic, huh? A job's a job and is gonna wear me down no matter what. But, imagine having that skill under your belt!! That's the only good thing besides making money about jobs, learning a ton of skills. We also watched some slime videos and the gross sound of the slime triggered my misophonia lol. SPEAKING of triggering my misophonia, I looked up some ice cream rolling videos and this one stupid channel showed up... the guy was making taki rolled ice cream, which IS interesting, but he was doing too much. Like, i'd never seen a video try so hard to be cool. Shaking the takis, pouring them into his hands and showing them to the camera, putting them on the metal and spreading them out, then he starts taking them and chewing them into his mic and you can hear all the gross wet mouth sounds, i legit wanted to commit a crime towards him.

needless to say i stopped looking up ice cream rolling videos cuz that fuckmeister's cornered the youtube market

in MINECRAFT NEWS, we were exploring a cave for like... 2 hours. I had 2 full stacks of iron ore I was sooo excited about, and two stacks of coal, and 3 diamonds, and when I was trying to find my way back up a waterfall, i FELL AND DIEEEEDDDDDD. Those cave systems are so twisty and turny and hard to navigate ;_; I'm just gonna start a new world, I seriously cannot cope with that loss LOL. Maybe next time.

also watched some Dechart games... im not a bryan stan, but i LOVEEEEEEE his wife, i love her sooo much i wish she had a channel of her own i would die for her. i loved seeing her run around in stardew valley. im also very glad its super easy to distinguish connor from bryan because i wont lie i dont like bryans vibes... like no hate but im glad u are not connor and just played as him (and did an amazing job)... idk how to say that w/o sounding hateful but i do hope they both are living their best lives??? wow i am making a word salad please help